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Currently having a mental breakdown over the torture of my dreams help me understand why they are doing this to me

Ok so I was with my ex for a long time it was an amazing relationship at first, he wasnt my first boyfriend but my longest and honestly I loved him alot, until we both became drug addicts and he became insanely abusive, drugs and our love for each other defo drove us both literally insane, I eventually left him I wasn't coping well and he gave me the dog to look after he then demanded her back 8 months later on a whim and ended up assualting me outside my house ( stupid I know) despite that I was still totally in love with him, despite all the abuse, at that time I relapsed, the only person keeping me Sane was my cousin he helped me so much and honestly he made sure I was eating and not killing myself, however 4 days before Christmas 2021 I received a phonecall from my auntie saying my little cousin had dropped down dead due to a random heart attack (they didn't know he had a heart condition) I relapsed again and this time it was ugly I wanted to die, my brother was also going through a terrible time, one night my mum had enough of our drug use and we went to a hotel, my brother then tried to unalive then unalive me when I went to phone the police putting him in jail, my mum felt so extremely bad and both of us actually went to a psychiatrist where he diagnosed us both with autism and me also with ADHD, ok on to the dreams, every single dream I can't say it's a nightmare because it doesn't feel like that it feels nice but it's my ex boyfriend being nice, wanting me back, me playing with his hair, cuddling him, and my cousin is always there to as some form of animal or he's a ghost but I can see him and he just has the best advice, sometimes on bad nights I have dreams where I go back to the abusive house we lived in together and he happens to also be visiting or anything along those lines, and hes sorry he still loves me you know, when I wake up I feel the opposite I am glad I am no where near him but for a second in my dream we are together, and my cousin is talking to me, I live with my partner who is amazing I love him more than anything we have a mortgage my cats I am sober, I am studying computer science, I don't know how to fix this I want this dream to stop what does it mean ?

submitted by /u/gemunicornvr
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